Narcissistic relationships are a sort of upside-down world – a place where the basic tenets of human connection simply don’t apply.
In this world, kindness is punished, forgiveness is weaponized, and feelings shamed. And after years of living in a world like this, you may struggle to make sense of the fact that none of it was normal.
And you may spend just as much time attempting to put together pieces of a story that never fit to begin with.
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If this sounds familiar, please know that what happened is not your fault. You were not responsible for their toxic behaviors. And though you may feel shattered now, you are not ruined. You are healing. And recovery is nothing if not messy.
Here are the lessons you’ll learn from putting yourself back together again:
1. Letting go of the blame.
Healing begins the moment you stop blaming yourself for what they did. You didn’t “allow” the abuse. You stayed because you had hope, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. You treated them with the belief that people are capable of goodness, growth, and compassion. And that’s what any healthy person would do in a normal relationship.
Their lack of empathy, their rage, and their harmful choices belong to them, and them alone.
And when you hear that voice saying, “I can’t believe you let this happen,” know that’s just an echo of the years of gaslighting, still playing on loop in your head.
2. Forgiving yourself.
It’s common to get stuck in the cycle of turning your healing into a project on understanding them: why they did what they did, whether they’ll ever change, or if you should forgive them.
But you should know that your healing doesn’t require you to forgive anyone but yourself.
Forgive yourself for choosing them and for however you reacted to how you were treated.
And once you’ve poured all of that warm hope and compassion into yourself, you can focus on building a new life built on the growing trust you have in yourself.
Just don’t forget to be gentle with yourself on that journey.
3. Feeling everything.
The anger. The heartache. The niggling hope. The leftover love. Let yourself feel all of it.
Because as Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, “Healing is feeling.”
And though the person who harmed you may have treated your feelings as a weakness or an inconvenience, you don’t have to carry that torch. That may have helped you survive, but that won’t help you heal.
Because your feelings are messengers. They don’t define you, but they do communicate something about your needs and dreams.
And that’s important.
So express them. Even if you don’t feel safe sharing them with another person just yet, write them down. Keep them in a place you can come back to and truly see yourself.
4. Finding your people, and taking your sweet time.
Though being alone can feel like protection, real healing looks like opening the door again, a little at a time.
Because connection is protective and essential to recovery.
Start with one healthy friendship. Get to know a colleague. Take a class or explore offerings in your community. (Here are some low-energy ways to start.)
It can also help to focus on mental health care. A good therapist or support group can be one of your first validating experiences with another person after the relationship. Individual therapy, group therapy and support groups, online or in person, all count. If you’re ready for a group, you can join your first one at ShareWell, where you can listen first and speak whenever you feel ready.
5. Resting. A lot.
Respite is essential, especially after a relationship like this. That means time when your reality is validated, your identity is verified, and your courage rebuilt. It can be a long hike, a bubble bath and a film, or even a talk with someone safe.
Whatever it is, know that resting is healing.
Know that you were never too sensitive, or dumb, or lazy. And know that you are not ruined.
You’re living, breathing proof of strength incarnate. You’re someone who went through something no one should ever have to go through. And you are someone who is learning, step by step, to live and love again.
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